Why Lie When Mommy Goes Bye-Bye
There are many times that I find myself observing how different adults handle various situations with younger children and toddlers. One of the most recent observations I made was when a two-year-old realized her mother wasn’t around. This was after mommy had gotten cleaned up and snuck out the back door to go out on a girls night out with her friends.
The toddler realized mommy was gone and began asking where her mommy 
went. I of course responded with “mommy went bye bye. She’ll be back.”
In that very instant, at the age of 40 and with a house full of teenagers, I was scolded for telling that ‘poor child something that would upset her.’ And the school marm figure turned around and told the toddler that mommy was just outside and she’d be back inside in a bit.
Now why would anyone do that to a child?
As I watched the child earlier in the day, I saw she had real attachment issues with mommy and this explained everything! The toddler couldn’t let mommy out of her sight because simply going out the door resulted in mommy being gone for hours at a time.
What’s wrong with telling the child that their mother left and that she’ll be coming back? Did I miss something in my days of having toddlers?
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POSTED IN: Parenting
7 opinions for Why Lie When Mommy Goes Bye-Bye
Eliza
Mar 10, 2008 at 7:12 am
Geez I hope not, we tell our children whenever I go out. My kids are very attached to me, especially when they are under 2 so the minute I”m out of sight it’s a screaming fit. We are currently working on this. Hopefully I’ll be able to walk outside and take a bathroom without having to wait for my little one to be asleep. But above all, I don’t believe in lieing to my kids.
Ashley
Mar 10, 2008 at 8:50 am
I’ve heard that it’s much healthier to actually say goodbye and not sneak out. They might be upset, but they’ll be more secure.
Just what I”ve heard.
Maria
Mar 10, 2008 at 9:43 am
Wow! This post had me going OS! I am screwing up my son! My husband has been overseas since the end of November and when our son asks for dada or simply walks around saying his name, I always tell him that daddy is/went bye bye, and we will see him on the webcam on Saturday/Sunday.
When I leave him at daycare, I always say good-bye and give him a kiss/tell him I love him. He seems to be fine with it. Sometimes he cries if we’ve been home together a lot of days in a row, but after a day or two, he is happy to play with his friends again.
kadi
Mar 10, 2008 at 10:15 am
Give it to ‘em straight. No sneaking, no lying. Quick kiss goodbye, full truth and no lingering. That was the rule when I babysat. Lying, lingering and sneaking away all end in more drama, trauma and “Where’s my Mama?” That’s my opinion.
Ashley
Mar 10, 2008 at 10:22 am
lol. I love how you put things Kadi.
I agree w/ the lingering thing too - learned that the hard way w/ my oldest…the worker DOES NOT THINK YOU’RE COLD OR MEAN when you drop them off quick and clean.. They DO cringe when you participate in the hand holding, tear jerking, hugging like there’s no tomorrow, Scarlet-’Hara goodbyes… which I did… until I read a book that said you give your children a false sense of power and control when you linger because they’re upset..and then when you eventually do leave it is even more hurtful than if you had just left to start with..
MomOnTheGo
Mar 10, 2008 at 11:10 am
I always say “good-bye” to my 3.5 year old and have always done so. She may not like me leaving but at least she can trust me. Of course, I am okay with the Easter Bunny but I try not to think about that in the context of trust.
wendy
Mar 11, 2008 at 2:29 am
A few minutes can seem like a long time to toddlers, I would think it would mess up their comprehension of time to lie to them. I set timers and alarm clocks for my kids so they had some measure of “how long” I’d be away.
It sounds like this child is having a hard time anticipating how long is “a few minutes” “right away” when those terms also apply to girls night out.
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