Families Who Share Sleeping Space
Let’s talk about the idea of family bed sharing. Is it a means to forming strong family bonds or a way to ensure that kids will never sleep in their own beds without a struggle?
In our house, the rule of thumb is that once the kids are weaned to a bottle, they are expected to sleep in their own rooms. The parent’s bed is only for the parents. This, in part, is due to the fact that my husband has serious back problems and cannot bear to sleep in compromising positions. We also share the belief that our bed is the place where we can strengthen marital bonds (aka have sex) and should not have to move kids into their own beds, in the middle of the night, to do so. I could not imagine how non existent our sex life would be if we allowed our kids to make themselves at home in our bed.
It has been shown that kids who sleep in a family bed, have trouble self soothing. Newborns who share a bed with their parents, are at a greater risk of SIDS. Kids also experience a lack of REM sleep. The same can be said for their parents. Also, what happens when these kids get older and sleep over at a friend’s house? I’m pretty sure that the parents of Jr’s playmate, will not be too thrilled when they get a 3 o’clock visit from him, requesting to share the bed space. It just seems like the positive aspect of bonding is far outweighed by the negative aspects. Maybe the answer is to spend more day light hours bonding, in order to get some spousal bonding at night. Then again, some people do not mind the lack of alone time. It really is an individual preference matter. What are your thoughts on this subject?
Tags: bed sharing, bed time, bonding, breast-feeding, family bed, marriage, nursing, REM sleep, routines, SIDS, sleep habitsRelated Stories
POSTED IN: Parenting
10 opinions for Families Who Share Sleeping Space
Sue
Jul 1, 2008 at 10:07 am
I loved the idea of a family bed but the day I ran over the top my husband’s car, looked confuddled for a moment, pulled forward and backed over it again… I realized I was too tired for any of it to be safe.
So the kids slept alone contentedly and I ached for them but slept well.
There is a tug and sometimes it’s hard to let go of those kids.
marye
Jul 1, 2008 at 10:57 am
sigh.
My kids never had a bottle or a pacifier in their mouths. They weaned when they wanted, usually around age 2 1/2. I wore them in a sling. They slept in our bed. If they have nightmares they are still welcome to come get in the bed, sleep on the chair, or pass out on the floor.
Babies are babies for a very short time. Pretty soon they are 23 and flying off to Japan for three years..going to Iraq…and emailing you to say how much they miss you less than 24 hours after they leave.
Chef Kyrie turned 5 today. I am 48+. More than likely after 8 children and several miscarriages the baby factory has been renovated into merely a playground.
None of my kids is what you would call socially odd…except maybe out 16 year old who wants to live like Thoreau. None of them is whiny or clingy. None of them has trouble sleeping by themselves…except my oldest daughter and she is married. :)
They are all secure, well adjusted and well behaved. They all tell their friends that we are the coolest parents ever. They talk to us openly about their problems and what’s more, we often hear them praying for US.
I love my kids.
I would not change a thing.
If co-sleeping bothers you you should not do it. If you want to do it you should not be talked out of it by experts that have their heads up their butt and think that overweight children are caused by authoritarian parents.
I probably need to stay away from your blog, Kadi..LOL! But you and Gayla post such cool things.
marye
Jul 1, 2008 at 11:00 am
Oh…sorry…and the greater risk of SIDS is a myth..I can get the info for you if you want…also I don;t know of any child who has ever co slept that ends up in anyone’s bed besides a siblings or a parents. They are usually, in my experience, well adjusted and confident.
AS far as spousal bonding…If you think the bedroom is the only place you can make love you are boring and crazy…and your sex life definitely needs a boost.
kadi
Jul 1, 2008 at 11:15 am
No way, Ms. Marye!! You should not stay away from the blog! Your differing views are always welcomed and applauded :)
Our differences are what make us wonderful and neither one is any less of a fabulous parent for that!!
I would like the source of that SIDS info if you have it, because if I’m wrong, I would like the chance to correct myself.
kadi
Jul 1, 2008 at 11:16 am
P.S.
We do not limit our sex to the bed, but it is nice to be able to be spontaneous in the middle of the night without a child present. ;)
Thrifty Karen
Jul 1, 2008 at 9:37 pm
Kadi: If you had shared a bed with them, you probably wouldn’t have so many kids. lol (I mean that to be funny, btw.)
We let the kids sleep in our bed when they were babies. They didn’t do it all the time, but the getting up and down so much in the night is hard. And if they’re teething, then they need the extra comfort. Then around 15 months or so come the nightmares.
My daughter started having some problems this year (she’s 4). We’d wake up in the morning and find her wedged up against us. My husband has back problems too and he would get aggravated when they’d come into our bed because then he’d be in pain all day. We finally found a solution. We put one of the kindergarten nap mats in our room (folded up beside our dresser), along with a blanket. We told our daughter that she can come into our room whenever she gets scared, but she has to sleep on the nap mat. This has really helped out a lot.
Steph
Jul 2, 2008 at 2:17 pm
Like Marye, my younger two children never used bottles (my oldest one did, because I got too frustrated too quickly with breastfeeding), or pacifiers, they self-wean (my 2nd born at 2 yrs 11 months, and my youngest is still breastfeeding at 13 months),I wear my children in slings until they are too big to do so, and they co-sleep until they are ready to leave my bedroom. My oldest slept in my bed until he was 13 months, then he moved to a toddler bed in my room until he asked to sleep in his own room at age 4. My next child slept with me until 12 months, then moved to a toddler bed in my room (moved in with *bubby* at 3 yrs), and my daughter still sleeps with me.
At this link, http://www.llli.org/Release/cosleeping.html , you’ll find some info on co-sleeping. There are safe ways and unsafe ways to co-sleep (never co-sleep if you ave been drinking or using drugs, or if you use any medication that makes you sleepy, never use big, bulky blankets, and the list goes on….). I have found that, typically, co-sleeping parents are the same ones that believe in slings, continued breastfeeing (past 1 year), etc…. so maybe it is a different “culture” in and of itself?
My oldest is now turning 9 next week, and has spent the night with friends with no problems at all. Actually, all of my children are extremely confident individuals and don’t have a bit of a problem seperating from my husband and myself.
And, lol, yes, the alone time can get interesting… but it can also be more fun when you are forced to try new places. :-)
Mitzi
Jul 2, 2008 at 11:34 pm
What a great post. I found it by accident but couldn’t pass up the opportunity to put my two cents worth in about one of my fav topics. The family bed! I have 3 girls…ages 22, 16, and 11. Hubby and I did the same with all three. They all had to start out in their bed, but could come to our bed anytime they wanted-once they woke up…they had to actually sleep in their bed at first. My oldest stopped completely by about age 6 or 7….my 2nd stopped by about age 8…and my baby, my 11 year old still sleeps in my bed more than in hers. She’s written beautiful poems about how much she loves bedtime because she knows she can sleep with me and I’ll sing to her, etc. All of my girls are very social and have never seemed to have any adjustment problem whatsoever…They all weaned when they wanted to from the usual, the bottles, pacifiers, and for my baby-her thumb. Yes, she was 7, and yes she was informed by her orthodontist that after age 7, not only would she be wearing braces for a very long time (still wearing them) but she would have to have the head brace to go along with them. She stopped exactly on her 7th birthday, on her own (after having ‘one more such’ which lasted the entire day)…but she never put her thumb into her mouth again. And she finally gets those braces off next month. After 4 years. And I wouldn’t go back and pepper her thumb, or torture her in any way to make her give up what made her feel secure…(and she was SO cute sucking that thumb). She goes over to sleep overs (and has since kindergarten) and never cried to come home (although I know many children who do that a lot, even though they have never been allowed to sleep in mom’s bed), she never sucked her thumb at a friend’s house, she was always too embarassed. My opinion only but I think they will move permanently to their own bed when they’re ready…mine have…but the other day when my 16yr old baby had oral surgery, she cuddled back in my bed for the first time in close to 10 years. She was still knocked out from the pain medicine and swears it isn’t true.. but I know it’s true…and I loved every minute of it!
Heather
Jul 5, 2008 at 12:56 am
We’re a baby wearing, bed sharing family as well. My youngest is 3 and sleeps in his own bed for the most part, and my oldest is 11 and always sleeps in her bed. My middle child is 5 and still sleeps with my husband and I. All of my kids are independent, confident, and resourceful little people. Our bed is open to any and all of my kids at any time. Martial relations have not slacked by this in any way shape or form. None of my kids have ever had the urge to climb in to another parents bed during a sleep over, (In all fairness my son has never had a sleep over.) My kids seem to be well adjusted and all but my boy, who doesn’t sleep withe me, self sooth just fine. My husband and I enjoy being able to cuddle and hold the kids during the night, as this is the only time some of them stay still long enough for us to enjoy this.
The family bed isn’t for everyone, but for those who love it, it’s the only way to start out.
Carol
Jul 10, 2008 at 6:51 am
Yes, we started with the family bed. My eldest shared our bed until he was 3. It was then that my husband’s back couldn’t take it anymore. No choice, we had to let go. We bought a matress sofa bed that we put next to ours. Then, when he was 5, on his own he decided to sleep in his own bed, in his own room. My youngest co-slept until she was 2. And when her brother decided to stay in his own room, she followed him. Now, they share a room but in separate beds. Our bedroom door is always left open in case someone comes in the middle of the night looking for hugs.
Yes, it’s not for everyone. For me, it was either that or climbing out of bed half-asleep, half-awake every time the baby cries.
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