Addressing The Dress Issue
What would you do if your son wanted to wear a pink dress to school? Cookie magazine featured an article in its January issue, that illustrated one mom’s struggle to allow her son the freedom of wearing a dress to school. The mom, Sarah, decided that her son’s freedom of expression was far more important that the possibility of ridicule and reactions to his demonstrative protest of social norms. To her son, Sam, it was just a dress. I’m sure that he thought nothing of the symbolism behind his desire. But Sarah knew what her son may face as a result of her decision to let him be who he truly was.
To this I say, “Are you kidding me?” My sons always want to wear costumes to school. They have a box full of costumes and would wear them daily if I would oblige. But I know that doing so would be a disruption to the learning environment, and go against social norms. Maybe Sarah and her son will not have to deal with a large amount of ridicule and other possible reactions until later, but later will eventually arrive. If she lets her son express his love for pink frilly dresses as a routine now, it will be harder to curb later on. The comments and reactions of five year old peers are far less hurtful and violent, than those of junior high peers. What is going to happen when Sarah’s son, Sam, realizes that his behavior is not the norm and that tolerance for that type of thing is just not very common in our society? He is going to feel like a freak, that’s what.
My son went through a phase of wearing his sister’s red, patent leather shoes. Even though my husband wanted to yank them off of his feet and hide them, I explained that a three year old doesn’t understand that they are girl’s shoes. So we compromised. We only allowed him to wear the shoes in the house. I felt that doing so, allowed him to have his cake, but not eat it to the point where he could become obese. Does that make sense? What I’m saying is that there should be boundaries set on things of this nature. Yes, we live in society that frowns upon boys wearing dresses. Maybe that’s not very tolerant, but it is what it is. Parents who do not teach their kids about social norms, are setting their kids up for a lot of heart ache, in my opinion. Give Sam his pink dress, at home. Let him be free to wear it amongst his own family. But fostering his practice of wearing unusual attire in public, is just wrong. The fact that they had to coach Sam on what to say to peers and then role play possible scenarios, should have made them realize that they were creating more drama by feeding into the whole issue.
In our family, when a child expresses the desire to act out or dress up in a way that is publicly frowned upon, we quickly put the kibosh on it. My kids would love to pick their noses and run around the grocery store screaming like banshees, but I do not allow it. Why? They are not hurting anyone. They are not being destructive, or breaking any laws. But they are encroaching on other peoples’ comfort and breaking social norms. The same should be applied to the dress situation. Sam was not hurting anyone, but he was dressing in a way that goes against social norms. It may not be a big deal now, but it will be as he gets older. Let’s just hope that Sam eventually grows out of his dress wearing phase, just as my son grew out of his love for the red shoes.
Tags: gender issues, Parenting, social-normsRelated Stories
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18 opinions for Addressing The Dress Issue
feefifoto
Jan 25, 2008 at 11:40 am
In my house it would be a big, fat NO, just the same as if my child wanted to go to school wearing just underwear. There’s behavior that’s appropriate for home and behavior that’s appropriate for school. Let’s hope Sam’s parents grow out of their need to abdicate their parental responsibility by letting him make adult decisions.
marye
Jan 25, 2008 at 4:29 pm
I remember a similar thing to this (unless it is the same one) and I laughed then,as now. Freedom of expression is highly over-rated when it comes to producing responsible, well adjusted children. And generally, freedom of expression in an adult results in jailtime or lawsuits. :)
tabbi
Jan 26, 2008 at 4:21 pm
If I had a son who wanted to where a dress to school, I’d let him. I would handle it just like Sam’s parents. I think coaching children how to handle peer pressure is a good thing. Better than him getting frustrated and poping the kids in the mouth. Hopefully his parents do the same thing when it comes to Sam eventually having to deal with being offered a smoke, or a joint, or a drink. Practice makes perfect. Sam stood up to kids older than him, and was confident about it. I hope when I have a four year old he/she is as confident as him. Maybe Sam is destined to break the mold on more than just fashion.
Tho I totally understand why you wouldnt do the same with your own :P Kids can be cruel. Learning to stand up for yourself is a good thing.
Kadi
Jan 26, 2008 at 9:30 pm
Tabbi,
While I agree that teaching kids how to deal with confrontation and peer pressure is a positive thing, I have a hard time fathoming why you would set your son up for ridicule in the first place? Kids will be cruel. It’s a fact of life. They will find every little difference and imperfection and use it to shred another child’s self esteem. Why allow your child to be a blatant target for such cruelty? Isn’t your child’s self esteem more important than proving a point or breaking molds? Five year olds do not grasp those concepts just yet. So I cannot help but to think that it is more about the adults making a stand. Which is losing sight of the best interest of the child.
tabbi
Jan 27, 2008 at 11:27 am
I dont see it that way. I’d be setting him up for learning to make choices. I even asked my husband, he stands behind me. Yes, he’ll see the consequenses of his choices, which may be being made fun of. One day of teasing wont scar him for life. Especially if prepared for it. If he didnt want to wear it again, I wouldnt make him :P If he wanted to keep wearing it I’d let him.
I was a tom boy growing up, i was made fun of for lots of things. I didnt make friends with those people, I found kids who were “above it”. There are plenty of kids who know that teasing is wrong. I found friends who like me for me, it was a good foundation. I am still friends with them now.
Sending kids to school in the first place is setting them up for ridicule. They will get made fun of period, pink dress or no. Hair style, buck teeth, different styles of clothing, slow reading, their own NAME can set them up. What are some parents thinking with some names??? LOL.
I totally understand why you dont agree with me, and thats cool.
When I was in middle school, a goth boy wore a black skirt to school. Black was all he had :P. He was in my class, none of us thought anything about it, we accepted a long time ago he like to wear very odd outfits. It was something to look forward to in the morning. He was a great guy, and very smart. Of all the crazy outfits he wore to school, this day, the principle was walking by and demanded that he remove the skirt, saying it would cause a disturbance in the school. The goth boy was forced to wear his gym shorts for the rest of the day. Yes there was a disturbance. All of us students were enraged that they wouldnt let him wear it. There was noting specificly in the dress code forbiding boys from wearing skirts. Remember, it also use to be socially unacceptable for women to wear pants, but that changed didnt it.
I worked in a gym’s daycare, where kids ages spanned 12 months to 12 years. Those kids knew that hurting others physically or verbally got them in trouble, and if they persisted, mom or dad was going to have to take them out of the daycare. Mom or dad would not be happy cause they didnt get their workout. Always taking ages into consideration as to how it was handled. We practiced sitting in a circle, saying good things about eachother. The ones who were not so nice, I discovered quickly why. Their parents were not very respectful to them. I wish I could bring images from my brain and put it on here exactly as I saw it. I need therapy just from seeing how they were talked to. Stressed parents equal stressed kids.
I am planing on unschooling my kids, I’ve disagreed with our school system ever since i took human development in nineth grade. Until then I had never known that there was any other way.
tabbi
Jan 27, 2008 at 11:29 am
wow, i wrote a lot more than intended :P
You guys are great, inspiring me to think.
kadi
Jan 27, 2008 at 11:39 am
Tabbi~
I thank you for your honesty and participation! We may have differeing views, but discussion is what truly enlightens us! I enjoy the banter and respect your views :)
marye
Jan 27, 2008 at 1:07 pm
Tabbi-
I happen to unschool..so I want you to know that I am coming at it from that direction. I have 8 kids of various ages and they are all not only Genius IQs but gifted in various areas. Not many people know that. I sat that to give you the understanding that my kids are about as individual and artistic as you can get…and there are alot of us.
One thing everyoe has to learn is that in any society there are certain acceptable norms. There is a certain amount of,hmm,,lets call it self discipline and restraint, that everyone has to learn. If one of my children is a nudist I am not planning on allowing them to go to the store that way..they will have to practice their penchant for nudity in the privacy of their own room. When my pushing the limit interferes with how things are done, when they are, for the most part, being done in a proper manner, then my right as an individual must bow to the good of society as a whole. Our siciety is not built upon democracy and the rights of the individual, but on the political system of being a republic and the good of the whole.
It might inspire my creativity to torture people to inspire my painting as Carvaggio did but it would not by in the interest of society for me to do so.
I also find it interesting that it a child’s desire to be creative was to carry a Bible to class and pray for his fellow students that would be considered by many schools a hate crime.
Obviously this is:
a. a soapbox for me
b. not my blog
so I will leave it there.
kadi
Jan 27, 2008 at 1:17 pm
Marye~
Well said.
This has been a great conversation and I applaud each contributor for expressing their views in a mature and appropriate manner. Our ability to do that keeps this blog a safe and welcoming venue for valuable and intelligent discussions!
tabbi
Jan 27, 2008 at 9:20 pm
My question is “why” dont you contend with “us”. Why? b/c we win. You cant win against my buds, sorry. You can say all you want about your peers. Just b/c you have 8 kids doesnt mean you can prepare us :P We are all different. If we were all to “bow” then I guarentee we would bow before some pretty unsetling things :P
tabbi
Jan 27, 2008 at 9:34 pm
we are not just some “site”. we are a group, we stand together. we love one another. Cant touch us. Cant see me, my time is now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Cant feel me, my life is now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Seriously, what can you do about us? nothing. Not if we dont want you to, sorry, try but you loose :P
kadi
Jan 27, 2008 at 9:37 pm
Tabbi~
Who is the “we” you keep referring to? Who is this group?
Julie F.
Jan 28, 2008 at 9:25 am
Did anyone else get that Tabbi was quoting a WWE wrestler.
I can’t help but laugh. I don’t even see what the whole ’song’ was about.
Loosen up, live, love, laugh. Kids are going to be kids and every parent has their own way of dealing with it. Sharing parenting views is lovely, but when others come along and condemn, that is just like being back on the playground.
Julie, signing off. Now you can’t ’see me’ LOL.
Julie F.
Jan 28, 2008 at 9:35 am
Before I get knocked by any goths out there, I happen to have been the Buffalo NY, Chapter President for Goth Help Us, a grassroots organization that was Goths helping Others.
:-)
kadi
Jan 28, 2008 at 9:54 am
Oh, sorry. I did not get the WWE reference because I don’t watch that. I was starting to worry that I had offended Tabbi to the point of stark raving madness!
Julie~ I am not condemning anyone. I m expressing my difference of opininon on the matter. It is just fact that parents who do not teach kids how to adhere to social norms are going to run into a lot of ridicule and angry dissenters. But, it is the kids who suffer most in this case.
Julie F.
Jan 28, 2008 at 12:07 pm
kadi- That condemning was not directed towards you at all. I was taken aback by the behavior of a different poster. I enjoyed your post and I do agree with most of it. I certainly would never let my children pick their nose in public! Not if I caught them, anyway.
Children need to express their individuality. If they insist on certain things, when they are old enough to handle the consequences, surely let them wear what they wish. My mother let me go in public with the sides of my head shaved. I had plenty of stares, but I learned that I had to deal with it.
But, um, my head is nice and warm now. All that hair is back!
kadi
Jan 28, 2008 at 12:38 pm
I recall a time when shaving the under section of hair and wearing it in a ponytail, was the popular thing to do at school. My mother threatened to shave my whole head if I even tried to do it. That was enough to cure my desire to follow the crowd! I’m glad your head is back to being hairy!
tabbi
Jun 27, 2008 at 12:52 am
looking at what i wrote in jan, the 27…… i can say some silly things…. but damn……got to change my pass…..that sounds like …..sorry gals…. think my neice was trying to mess with me. Got to tell her “epic failure” or something, cause I didnt realize it till now :P guess i should go through and see what else she typed :P
sorry if i sounded 15…..
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